me and my lovely sister. :)

I have been so overwhelmed by the messages I have received lately. You really don’t know what others are going through, until you allow yourself to be REAL about what you are going through. And it can be embarrassing and painful to admit you are struggling… but honestly, who isn’t? We are all struggling with something. If you aren’t struggling, then you aren’t really living.

I wrote a song a few months ago about this “waiting” period in our lives. Waiting for a baby, waiting for our “dream careers,” waiting to see loved ones again. If there is another thing in life that we all seem to have in common… it is the process of waiting. The fact that so many of us are bonded by at least these two things, struggling and waiting, should bring us closer together. But there are some who instead of embracing the struggle, choose to complain and sink into a hole of self-pity. Now I know this is a serious problem for some, and depression is very real, but I believe that so much of this can be prevented if we allow ourselves to just, be REAL.

I read a quote the other day that put this in perspective for me.

“Generally speaking, the most miserable people I know are those who are obsessed with themselves. The happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others. By and large, I have come to see that if we complain about life, it is because we are thinking only of ourselves.” – Gordon B. Hinckley

How true! When we serve other people and see their needs, our problems seem so much smaller. This is obvious when we go overseas on mission trips, for example, but what about in our daily lives? Why not start with our friendships?

As a follower of Christ, there is ONE commandment that we are given to fulfill the “law of Christ” here on earth. This blew me away when I realized it…

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” – Galations 6:2

Carry each other’s burdens. Wow, seems so simple and yet so difficult at the same time. In order to carry a burden, the first step is to admit you have one. Going back to the beginning… be REAL. Leave me a comment, email me, call a friend. Whatever you need to do to share your burden with someone. And then, let them carry it.

Thank you to those who have carried our burdens this week. Perhaps next week it will be yours on our shoulders. :)

But, I didn’t have to endure any of the halloween crazies this year. Instead I attended a memorial service for the father of two of our students. He passed away this weekend after suffering with Listeria for over a week. He was a husband, a father, teacher, and a football coach. He wasn’t even 50 years old. Both of his daughters (pictured with me, above) are in our youth group at church and his wife helps serve on Wednesday nights. We love them all dearly. It’s crazy how life can end so quickly and without warning. I am learning this every day as I get older, that our moments together are but a glimpse. Here today, gone tomorrow.

I want my life to leave a legacy. God obviously thought enough to put me here for a reason, I want to fulfill His purpose for me to the fullest. Some days I know exactly what I’m here to do. Some days I think I’m still learning what exactly that is. And honestly, some days I feel as though I have no purpose at all. But God always seems to come through with a word of encouragement to point me in the right direction. Last week, I was feeling purposeless when I received the random message telling me that my music was playing on the radio! You see? You never really know what your words could mean to someone.

I think my biggest struggle with purpose right now is not being a mom. I love children with all my heart. I love them the moment they walk in my classroom and the moment they leave. I love them when they pee on my floor, when they spill paint on my chairs, when they trip over their shoelaces and come crying to me to tie them. I love their little smiles and when their laughter fills the room, I have a hard time not laughing too. I struggle with understanding why God would allow us to face infertility, while allowing teenagers to get pregnant? Or worse, a woman He knows is going to choose to abort it?

I understand these are sensitive subjects. I am just being real with you.

Tomorrow is my first surgery ever. I like to think I’m a brave person, but this is a tad scary. But I am doing it for my future children. I want to do all that I can to leave a lasting legacy and one of the greatest ways I believe we can do that is through our children. I am thankful for a mom, who prayed for me no matter the circumstance. I am grateful for the legacy of my grandma, who showed me the love of Jesus from a young age. I am blessed by the legacy of my mother-in-law who raised four boys to know and love the Lord, one whom I would eventually marry. Without these women, my life would not exist. I pray that my purpose on this earth would not just end with me…

Turns out we’re exactly the same age. She’s actually three months older than me.

My sister said this wasn’t a compliment. Whatever, I think she’s pretty. But it’s time to put this thing to rest.

What do you think… could this be my doppleganger?

Maybe because everything I write on here is public domain and can be held against me in court… or something like that. It would probably help if I knew who was reading this. I’ve made the mistake before of assuming that all my close friends read my blog and know what’s going on with me. Not the case. But I’ve never really shared anything that’s mattered before.
 
I blog to release my thoughts that are jumbling around in my head. Not for an audience. But I do hope and pray that maybe someone that needs to read it will perhaps stumble across my site and hear a song, or read a word that inspires and uplifts them. Just like many of the bloggers out there have done for me. I’m not much of a commenter myself. I read a few blogs and never say a word in response. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. Other times I’m embarrassed because my opinion is in the minority of comments on the post. But I do read.

I’ve noticed something while reading blogs lately. The ones with the most followers usually have an inspirational story. Something they were vulnerable about that reached out to a lot of others and encouraged them. I admire that. And I long to be authentic and for people to see Jesus in me. Which is why, today, I’ve decided to take the plunge and begin to share some personal stuff.

 
Forewarning: Guys, you may not want to read the rest of this. I’m about to get all girly and emotional.
 

Babies, all around me. Church. Doctor’s office. Facebook newsfeed. Constantly reminding me of one thing. This month marks a year since Josh and I have been trying to conceive. Those words are not something I really ever wanted to share. I wanted it to just happen. I wanted to surprise everyone when I got pregnant. What can I say? I’m a girl.
But month after month, the only surprised one was me when I got multiple negative pregnancy tests. I began to become suspicious that something must be wrong a few months ago. And after getting the recommendation from a couple friends, I met with a doctor that specializes in infertility. He definitely got to work on getting answers. A couple hours and exams later, he was pretty confident that I have endometriosis. Enough to recommend laparoscopy surgery. Though the thought of surgery alone scares me, I will be glad to have some definite answers after this.

I know endometriosis is not the end of the world. And it’s not the worse thing that could happen. But I can’t promise you that I don’t get down some days wondering why things couldn’t just be easy. And just as soon as the words come out of my mouth, God humbles me. I have so much to be thankful for. My hope and trust is in God. After all, He’s kind of in control of this whole “knitting together in the mothers womb” business. He knows when the best time for Josh and I to be parents is. And if at all. For now, I continue to be present where he’s planted me in life: wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, musician.

And this is me, vulnerable.

I have some of the best in-loves in the world, and they let us show up with six hours of notice. :) We always get welcomed with a sweet note on our bed, something that still catches me by surprise and makes me say, “awww” every time I enter the room. This time there were two packs of Sunflower seeds (one of my favorite addictions) awaiting us. We spent the next couple days just relaxing and enjoying good food and memories. We love watching videos that Justin’s made, walking our family dogs (Heidi and Daisy) and I even spent a bit of time revamping Josh’s blog.

Cherishing every moment is something I’ve come to appreciate. As I look around the room we are staying in, I remember three years ago praying so hard for Jordan as he lay in that very room battling cancer. It doesn’t seem like that long ago. How can three years pass by so fast, but one day at work go by so slow? I’m sure it depends on how much we are appreciating the moment. I’ve been impatient in some ways – wanting to start a family with Josh, waiting to record another album, wishing it were summer again (ha! just kidding) – but if I’m not careful I can miss out on the moment while dreaming of the future. And we can’t ever get those days back.

This weekend we took a spontaneous trip to Greenville. But it was more than just skipping out on a couple days of work to take a mini vacation… we embraced moments that we will never have again. And we almost missed out on ever having.

I was seventeen when I knew God was calling me to the ministry. The struggle came down to whether I was going to listen to that call or not. I was beginning to enjoy the limelight and thrill of performing, especially in musical theater. I was an active thespian in high school, competing in several district and state festivals. I lived for the thrill of the stage. I attended a choral clinic at Stetson University my senior year and was seriously thinking about continuing my enjoyment of theater and majoring in it there… but something never felt quite right. I know now that I didn’t have the peace of God. My youth pastor, Adam, encouraged me to hear God’s call and listen to it. He told me about a small, little college in Graceville, FL where he received his undergrad called The Baptist College of Florida (or BCF, as we lovingly refer). But my mind wandered and dreamed of festivals and big cities and Broadway! What would ever become of me if I attended college in a small town best known for it’s Bingo nights and peanuts? Little did I know.

One morning, I decided to sit down and watch (ironically enough) a “Behind the Music” DVD of the Christian band, Casting Crowns. They had just released their new album and it was a huge hit! I was listening to the lead singer, Mark Hall, tell the story behind writing the song, “Voice of Truth.” I listened as he shared his life struggle with identifying all the voices inside his head and how inadequate he felt when choosing to major in music in college – because he couldn’t even read music! I was listening intently for him to say which college he attended. I assumed that he had to have gone somewhere pretty prestigious to go from not reading music… to an international recording artist! You can imagine how surprised I was when I found out that Mark Hall attended BCF. I can’t explain it, but after hearing his testimony… something snapped in me. I had my own personal experience of “The Voice of Truth” in my life, right there in my living room. I knew where I needed to go.

BCF wasn’t the cheapest option. It wasn’t the easiest option. And it was probably the least comforting option as far as being “close to home” goes. But God provided the way, completely. My trust was in Him, my faith was in Him… so why did I have to fight so many distractions once I got there? This brings me back to sitting outside with my guitar, by the lake. I wrote, “Captivate Me” within the first couple weeks of being at BCF… it was my prayer to God to captivate the thoughts in me that were not of Him, to change my actions that were not pleasing to Him, and to use my life to bring Him glory. If God can use a wanderer like me, then He can definitely use you! :)

Sweet moment… a few weeks later I was asked to sing in our school’s chapel service and I chose to sing “Captivate Me.” It was the first song Josh ever heard me sing. I had no idea who he was at the time or that he would one day be my husband! This is just a further example of how God’s plan is bigger than ours… and every step of obedience is so important. You never know what you could be missing out on by taking one wrong turn.

Then (January 2006)

Now (June 2011)

Click here to listen: 

I cannot tell you how many times I have read these verses and focused on everything but the bolded part – pride in one’s lifestyle. I mean, I get that we aren’t to love the things of this world… fleshly desires, lustful thinking… but I have never thought about the idea of having pride in our lifestyle. Then this morning, it was as if all I could read in the paragraph were those words.

Lord, what is pride in one’s lifestyle? 

To answer this, the Lord directed me to read the passage before these verses in 1 John 2:12-14 where the author begins to explain his reason for writing this book. It can be summed up in two sentences – “you have come to know the One who is from the beginning” and ” you have had victory over the evil one.” This book was written to the church, to those who know the Lord. Funny, just this past week at WIRED we talked about spiritual warfare and battling the enemy. The last day was all about the victory. I can definitely stand with those whom 1 John is written to and say that I know the One from the beginning and have had victory over the evil one. This book was written for those like me.

So Lord, what is this “pride in one’s lifestyle” supposed to mean?

There are generational sins in my family. Drug and alcohol addiction, divorce, depression and abuse. And by the grace of God, I have been victorious over the evil one in these areas! I am still young – with an indefinite amount of time to live – but I believe that I have been empowered by the Holy Spirit in my life to have victory. I can stand before you today with all the pride in me and say I have never done drugs or drank a bottle of alcohol. I grew up surrounded by it… but was never once tempted. In fact, I was more disgusted than anything. And I still am.

But if I am not careful, I can let pride seep into my life… where I begin to think of myself as the victorious one, instead of the Holy Spirit within me. I begin to look at my life and how “good” I am and all the “stuff” I have and… wow, how easy it can be to become prideful. Joel Osteen wouldn’t like this post… but, whoever tells you that living a life of surrender to Christ is easy – is probably not living it.

So please forgive me if I’ve at any point been prideful of my lifestyle on this blog. I’ve done my best to be real and open with my struggles, as well as how God has helped me overcome them. I pray that in doing this, you will be inspired and encouraged to live a more dedicated life to Christ as well.

I haven’t talked about this much publicly, but Josh and I have been praying about having children soon. I guess you could say we stopped “hindering” things about 8 months ago. Started to actually “time” things about 4 months ago. And well, basically we’re still waiting. :) The Lord is the giver of life, and we are patient that it will happen in his timing. I guess I just assumed that as soon as we started trying… things would move right along. It’s strange to say, but waiting gives us both a sense of doubt – “Will we ever have children of our own?” and a sense of faith – “God, you know what you’re doing.”

Waiting has also been a theme when it comes to pursuing a career in music. Right now, I am a music teacher. But the desire of my heart, since I began following Christ as a young girl, has always been to travel and sing. Every time I think a door is opening for this to happen, I am left with more… waiting. I had the wonderful opportunity to meet with a record label last month and discuss the music business, what it takes to be a successful artist, where I fit as far as my commercial appeal, songwriting, etc. goes. I learned that I still have a lot of growing to do, even at 24… and here I am thinking I’m getting old. Which makes the waiting even harder.

Probably the most difficult waiting I have in my life right now, is the separation from family. Josh and I live six hours from his side of the family and four hours from mine. And with our consistently busy lives, we rarely get a chance to spend quality time with the ones we love most. It’s difficult. And even more difficult when holidays come around. We usually make the trip up to South Carolina to visit the Robinson’s, but since I never know what state my dad will be in (with his job) and my parents live in two different houses, it’s hard to make plans with both of them. Waiting to see them again can seem like forever.

I don’t mean to sound pitiful. Haha. We have so much to be grateful for. And Josh and I have really grown in our relationship and dependence on the Lord and each other. I couldn’t be more thankful for my husband, he’s just one example of something that I waited 21 years for the Lord to provide… and he matched every prayer and hope I dreamed for. This makes the waiting in life easier, looking back on all God has brought me through so far.

I hope you enjoy this song I wrote in honor of this time of my life.

Waiting

Another morning, I wake up praying for a sign
Another day has come and gone
The months roll on and on
And it’s still not my time

And while the waiting is hard
And knowing this part of Your plan is not my own
I am never alone

Another busy day at work, is this all that I’m worth
Counting pennies in a car?
And I dream to leave this small town
And see a bigger world
But will I ever get that far?

And while the waiting is hard
And knowing this part of Your plan is not my own
I am never alone

Oooh, ooh

Sitting on a quiet porch, the family all indoors
About to say goodbye
Twice a year is not enough
To see the ones you love
Oh the distance is too wide

And while the waiting is hard
And knowing this part of Your plan is not my own
I am never alone

And while the waiting is hard
You have brought me this far
And if there’s one thing I know… I am never alone

Summer. It’s a refreshing feeling. I’m so thankful for a job that allows me a two month hiatus. Teaching can be one of the most rewarding, but draining jobs. I thought I was a patient person until I became a teacher. But oh, the moments when I have a class that is attentive and quiet. I just love that feeling too.

I’m still working during the summer though. Odd jobs, really. I’m teaching swim lessons for the next couple weeks. Then I have the amazing opportunity to lead worship and sing for a few events. And most excitingly, I’ll be back as a track leader at WIRED for my third summer here in Dothan. I’m really looking forward to it.

Costa Rica. My first overseas mission trip ever. Really? Yep. It is a blessing from the Lord (that came in the form of a sweet couple in our church) that made this financially possible. All things work together for the good…

Speaking of good. God is good. But He’s more than that, He’s loving when I’m unlovable. He’s patient when I’m hesitant. He’s forgiving when I’m embarrassing. It’s good to remind myself of these things. Especially, when I start to think I’m never going to be good enough.

And while we’re talking about things that aren’t good. This world is not good. I see so much I wish I didn’t see. Mostly on the internet. I’m not superstitious (more suspicious than anything), but one time my dad told me that if you add up the letters in “computer” based on an ancient Babylonian numbering system, they equal 666. The alleged “mark of the beast” symbol. There are only two other words that equal this number – kissinger (whatever that means) and witchcraft. Weird, I know.

Anyway, that’s a whole lot of babble to say… I am supersti.., suspicious of how this world is operating. Of how I am operating. If I am being honest, I spend a great deal of my time interacting with technology. My phone and my computer are basically attached to my hip. I am dying for an iPad actually, because it is smaller and more compact than my laptop (imagine that… something more portable than a laptop!) But goodness… the time that is wasted by staring at a screen. Every time I think of deleting social networking from my life – I feel like I’m deleting 1400 facebook friends and 400 twitter followers. Plus the fact that I order pizza online. Pay bills online. Buy music online. Sell music online. Wow…

No one will buy or sell except the one who has the mark. Most everything nowadays is sold with a UPC code. Which is scanned onto a computer. And we are leaning more and more towards doing everything online. I don’t know… “computer” adding up to 666 doesn’t seem so crazy to me now, Dad.

So what does that leave me with? Not much, really. You won’t see me throwing out my Droid anytime soon. But then again, I don’t want to sit by and become ignorant of the blatant evil that is masquerading itself in the form of twitter statuses filled with gossip and hate; innocent “facebook chats” leading to adultery; google searching images that lead to pornography; building aquariums, farms and other games that waste our time; and probably the easiest to overlook and the most convicting of mine… constantly feeding our minds with what everyone else thinks and does.

I don’t know how this post that began with a few babblings turned into my thoughts on the end times and the mark of the beast… but welcome to my mind. This is how I operate. I just decided to write it all out tonight instead of speaking it aloud. My husband says thank you. :)

Everyday for a year, I will post a picture. It could be of me, a friend, an object, or just something that inspires me. It will be fun to look back on 365 memories from this year! I hope you enjoy these photos and have a blessed year as well!

How fun it was to capture a picture a day for an entire year! It was a great way to document big events and help me keep track of those small, special moments that we may otherwise forget. I’ve looked back through the pictures this week and am amazed at the great things God has done through Josh and I’s life in such a short time.

In 365 days I…

Became a first-time homeowner

Changed jobs 3 times: Substitute Teacher, Sales Associate and (currently) Music/Art Teacher

Celebrated friends’ birthdays

Celebrated friend’s giving birth.

Released an EP on iTunes

Played a few shows

Celebrated my sister’s engagement!

Saw ten friends get married

Josh had five procedures done to finally diagnose him with Crohns

But that didn’t keep him down… this year Josh earned two masters degrees

Celebrated our two year anniversary at Sea World! (My first time)

Served 700 students at WIRED camp with my sister!

Finally went back to school (graduating in May!)

Voted to change the name of our church (Watermark!)

Volunteered at local mission projects

Had my first WHITE Christmas!

Bought a car

Only got sick twice all year

Became a better photographer: Took engagement, wedding, Christmas and portraits for friends and family.

What a year! I am anxious to see what the Lord will bring us through this next 365 days. Part of me already misses taking a photo a day. But, I think this will free me up to blog and journal more. I will blog the exciting things that happen this next year and journal the quiet, intimate moments where God teaches me. Well, maybe I’ll blog those too. :)

God bless you all on this journey we call life!