I had a breakdown about a week before I released my EP.
The truth was, it was like the third breakdown I'd had over the course of three or four weeks. But this one was actually in front of people.
What really triggered it, was a conversation my husband and I were having with some friends who were visiting from out of town. We were laughing and catching up on life, our recent move and how things had been going for them.
But these aren't the type of friends who we just touch the surface with. And it quickly got to a place of "real-talk."
My husband began to open up with them about some of the personal struggles we were having (a lot of what we believed was the result of some intense spiritual warfare). I alluded to it in my last post when sharing the story behind my EP. But sparing the ugly details, it was one thing after another for us in the months following our move. And it affected us in every way - emotionally, spiritually and financially.
So there I sat, on the brink of tears, while Josh openly shared his heart with our friends.
I wanted to keep things lighthearted.
I wanted to celebrate and focus on all the good that was happening in our lives.
I should be happy, I thought, as I bit my lip and squeezed my eyelids together trying to force back the tears that I knew were inevitable.
But when they finally came, I now understand why - I felt unknown.
Have you ever felt this way? Like you have so much going on behind the surface, but don't know how or why or if you should share?
But your Instagram looks good. And you're still getting Facebook likes on all your cool jokes. So people think you're doing okay.
But then, someone who actually knows you comes over to your house and stares you in the face and asks how you're really doing... and there you are, a puddle on the floor.
Yeah, me too.
Sitting there on the couch, crying my eyes out in front of our friends, was humiliating, YES, but also freeing. Because they didn't run or excuse themselves from the conversation (never mind that they were staying with us that night and had nowhere else to go), but instead responded with, "us too." And we were able to hear how they were really doing and know how to pray and encourage them more.
With all the depression, anxiety and silent battles people are facing, I am more convinced than ever that being our real, honest selves is the only true way to live.
That's much easier to know than believe. And much easier to say than do. I understand. It took many prayers and my hard shell of pride breaking down to admit it. And also, this quote:
But really, THIS QUOTE.
I'll never forget after my husband and I came on staff at a prior church, one of the volunteers made a comment to someone that we looked like "the perfect Christian family" and that they "could never relate" to us.
Nothing broke my heart more.
Because... if they only knew.
So much of me wanted to find that person and spill out my life story. Tell them every pain and heartache Josh and I had faced in our lifetimes, and how it all felt undermined by their one simple assumption.
But I didn't.
Instead, I took it as a reminder to never judge a cover. Because there is so much more to every person's story, than the Hallmark movie you've probably made up in your head.
And I also took it as fuel to continually strive in being known. But ultimately resting in the fact that I already am.
O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!
Psalms 139:2-6
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow I'll be releasing new music for the first time in over 5 years! On one hand, I am SO excited about letting these songs live a life outside of the walls of my own home. But, on the other hand, I'm a little nervous about it. Writing music is such a personal and healing thing for me. It kinda feels like sending your child to school for the first time (shoutout to all my mama friends who have been doing that these past couple weeks!) You hope you've done everything you can to prepare them for the world. And you really hope the world loves them as much as you do.
One question that many people have asked me lately is, "How long have you been working on this album?" While the actual recording part was done rather quickly - we spent a weekend laying all the parts down and a couple weeks on mixing and mastering - there are years of prayers and preparation that have gone before it.
To give a little back story, four years ago (right after my son, Micah, was born), I had this vision of making an album that centered around the theme of hope. My family has not been void of the pain and trials that this life can bring. As I'm sure yours hasn't either. There is no scale or measure for the weight of what makes a heavy burden. If it's heavy to you, then it's heavy. And it needs to be laid at the feet of Jesus. Writing songs has been a tangible way for me to lay my burdens down.
At one point, I really did start to question why it seemed like one thing after another would plague our family. Whether it was divorce, addictions, death of a loved one, infertility, cancer... we've been through it. And I most likely have written a song about it. Only four songs made it onto this EP... but these four sum up perfectly the faithful, everlasting love of God that I so desperately crave more of each and every day. These are the songs I want to sing over myself, just as much as I want to sing them over you.
So four years ago I had this vision but, as I know too well, every good thing is worth the wait. I've been so blessed to have spent the last four years pouring all of my time and energy into raising babies and serving in ministry. Still, the dream to record Storms never went away.
My husband and I would go out on dates and talk about our dreams, our goals and ways we believed God was calling us to live out the purpose He has put us on earth for - to make the gospel known to the world. I am so thankful I married a man like this. One who never sees "settling" as the goal. And not only believes in the calling that God has for him, but also the calling that God has for me too. It was on one of our dates when he told me that I just needed to do it (he's a real "putting-feet-to-your-words" kinda guy), so for Christmas, Valentine's Day and my birthday he would put money aside and say, "This is for your album."
Once we had saved up enough money earlier this year, I began preparing for this project. And let me tell you, trying to plan and prepare to record with two toddlers running around the house is NO JOKE. I almost quit before I started. Practice time was limited, between naps and snacks, but I was determined to get it done. Because more than ever, I believe what the world desperately needs is the hope of Jesus.
Once we moved to Jacksonville, things fell into place fairly quickly. After a random encounter with Eddy Foye in Bold Bean coffee the first week we moved, I contacted him about recording and he was more than happy to work with me! Within two weeks of moving to Jacksonville, I had found an engineer and musicians for the album. Everything seemed to be going smoothly...
And then the storms hit.
Once you've been through it a few times, you start to recognize the pattern of spiritual warfare. There was road block after road block trying to stop this EP from happening. Circumstances that were too random and too coincidental not to question the source.
The devil isn't to blame for everything. And I'm nobody that important. But you can recognize spiritual warfare by one crucial thing - timing. Satan tempted Jesus when he was fasting in the wilderness for 40 days - a time when he knew Jesus would be at his weakest, physically. He is clever and crafty, but painfully predictable.
The joke amongst our family right now is, "What did you expect when you named an album, Storms?"
And I guess that's the truth.
I share all that, to let you know that it hasn't been an easy journey for me to press publish on this post. But these songs have come alive and ministered to my heart in my current season, just as much as they did in the season I wrote them.
If you are reading this, I really hope you listen to the music tomorrow. But even if you don't and you never hear a song of mine, I pray that you close this page knowing that you are not alone in your struggles. That this life we have been created to live is rich with pain and suffering. And there is a reason for that - our world is broken.
But there is a Healer that I have found comfort in every time.
The one who restores and mends.
The one who brings dead minds, bodies, and souls to life.
And the one I will spend the rest of my days singing and writing about.
Tomorrow. It's only a day away.
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”