My husband texted me earlier today and told me that I could have some alone time tonight (have I mentioned lately how much I love that man?) After agonizing for about twenty minutes over all the things I could possibly go do (and accepting that I would never have time to do them all), I settled on a quiet dinner and doing a little writing.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to sit and write in solitude. I usually have tiny people who find their way to my side, interrupting any train of thought that I might have had. Once the train completely derails, I’ll usually save the draft in hopes to catch a ride back on it at another time. I have 200 trains to catch in my draft folder.

But here I am sitting, BY MYSELF, in a Panera. After scanning the restaurant a couple times, I picked a cozy seat in the corner with my green tea, broccoli cheddar soup and Roasted Turkey Avocado BLT sandwich. Oh, and can’t forget the warm chocolate chip cookie for .99 (the cashier talked me into it).

I was surprisingly decisive about my food choices today.
But if I’m honest, most of the time I have no idea what I want.

I have been (pretty much) silent about politics on this blog for the past three years. Part of that is due to being a busy mom of three (lacking a coherent train of thought, like I said), but also because I believe wholeheartedly there are some issues that we, as a nation, will never see eye-to-eye on. And there are people I love too much and would rather not have political opinions getting in the way of that.

But, goodness… my heart is grieved.
And today, I’m taking this train to the station.

I am absolutely horrified by the NY law that passed this week allowing abortions up to the BIRTH of a child. The act of abortion at any point of a pregnancy has always been viewed as murder to me. I realize that this is partly due to my strong belief that life begins at conception and also because at the very beginning of each pregnancy - I wanted the child. But even when I, surprisingly, found out I was pregnant again when my first baby was only 9 months old - I knew that what was happening inside me was creating life. I knew, because it took us over a year of trying to get pregnant the first time and I learned that it doesn’t happen that easily. There’s a whole lot that has to take place before that positive pregnancy test - and a whole lot that has to happen to sustain the pregnancy. It’s a miracle every time.

If at any point, of any of my pregnancies, someone came and injected a poison in me that caused my baby’s heart to stop - I would have sued them for murder! And by law, I would have won.

Yet, by law, if a women decides that she doesn’t want a baby at any point of her pregnancy it automatically becomes okay for her to end its life? After all it went through to make it this far?

Many stories have come out about late term abortions, and how most of the time they are decided because the doctors had informed them that their pregnancy was not viable and/or the child would be born with some type of disability. And with our technology today, I don’t doubt that often the doctors may be right, but… sometimes they are wrong.

I was told at our 15 week ultrasound with my daughter, Hannah (my “surprise” pregnancy), that she had two soft-markers for Down Syndrome. After more ultrasounds and blood tests (that in retrospect probably added to unnecessary anxiety and stress) they confirmed that there was a 99% chance that she didn’t have DS. I knew we were going to keep her no matter what - but the day she was born the nurse looked at me and said that, after looking at her record, some would have chosen to abort her. Yet, here I was with a beautiful, healthy baby girl. THIS is my problem with the law.

Shouldn’t we always give life a chance? In a court case, a suspect is always innocent until proven guilty. Shouldn’t an unborn baby be alive until proven otherwise? Many miscarriages and spontaneous abortions happen because the pregnancy is no longer viable, the baby’s heart stops beating, or there is a genetic disability. And sometimes this happens when there is no reason at all. Whenever a couple receives this information about their unborn child, there is almost always grieving involved. Why? Because it is a loss. Disabilities and diagnoses can happen at any point of life, for any child, born or unborn. If we aren’t allowed to dispose of our three year old after a disability diagnosis, why must we be allowed to dispose of it at 38 weeks gestation? I believe that God has gifted women with the privilege to support, sustain and protect life at all costs. Abortion is the complete opposite of that.

Let’s be clear about one thing… this law does not protect a woman’s life. While pregnant, a mother’s life has always been the priority. The doctors will induce labor at any point of a pregnancy if the mother’s life is in danger, while equally trying to save the baby after it is born. This law allows a woman to decide at any point of her pregnancy that she does not WANT the child.

I don’t say this to be cruel to women.
I say this to focus on the cruel reality of abortion.
It all comes down to what women want.

If you want to call it a child, it’s a child.
If you don’t want to call it a baby, its not.

Can I be honest? I’m a mom, sitting in Panera, getting a couple hours of alone time who couldn’t decide if I wanted a chocolate chip cookie or not. What I want changed a few hours ago. It also changed the minute I got married, became a mom for the first time and again, after I had my third child. My wants change daily and, sometimes, by the second. I was taught long ago, that selflessness meant laying down my wants and desires for the betterment of those around me.

After many years in ministry, I have also walked and prayed with women on the other side of abortion. Post-abortion pain and grief is a difficult reality for many. No one talks about this. And while there are devastating circumstances for some pregnancies, we need women to be aware that their decision to abort may have consequences that last much longer than 9 months.

Women, we have been given the beautiful responsibility of carrying and sustaining a living being.

We must learn to not just accept our bodies and the role they play in the circle of life, but protect them. And if you don’t want children, there are lots of ways to protect your reproductive system from having them (or finding homes for them if you happen to find yourself in the low-chance of pregnancy). You absolutely have that choice to make. You can have a whole hysterectomy and guarantee 1000% that your body will never get pregnant.

But the minute it does… your wants must change.

To be honest, I’m much more concerned about the state of our hearts than the laws. And I know that the only way we will see abortion end, is if women collectively decide that it’s not an option. But that’s going to be difficult. Because, the only bigger mystery than trying to figure out what women want, is figuring out what women want while pregnant.

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(If you’re offended by this post, then you must also be offended when women joke about their raging hormones, cravings and having “pregnancy brain” while pregnant. We don’t mind admitting that our physiological makeup affects our decision making, unless it comes to choosing to terminate a pregnancy. Then we are completely rational human begins. The contradictions must end. And so must abortion.)

A couple weeks ago we celebrated our sweet, big girl's 4th birthday! We thought it was only fitting to invite our family and friends to join us at one of our favorite places, Hanna Park (Hannah calls it "her" park for obvious reasons, ha!) Instead of going to our normal spot on the beach, we set up a picnic party near the playground. As the kids get older (and we continue having more), I am finding it takes more intentionality to continue making each year special. Those first couple birthdays are always a HUGE deal. Then, they get older and start giving input about how they want to celebrate! Hannah loves parks and picnics, and thanks to Pinterest this all came together to really sum up her personality! 

We left smelling like fire and covered in dirt, so I'd say it was a huge success!

Hannah Leigh, we are so grateful to have you in our lives. Your spunky personality and bright light shine for all who know you. I pray that you continue to grow each day into the woman God has created you to be. I am grateful to get a front row seat in watching the story of your life unfold. 

Love you always.

One of my favorite things to document and write about are my children's birth stories (you can read Micah's birth story here and Hannah's birth story here). Giving birth is such a miraculous, euphoric experience. Each one, so very special and unique. The anticipation at the end of pregnancy is unreal - every twinge begs the question, "Is this IT?!" 

Until one day, it is.

Chloe's birth story, for me, begins on Friday morning, December 1st. It was my 37 week doctor appointment and my first "cervical check" to see how my body was progressing. After two pregnancies with early dilation, I wasn't surprised to hear the doctor say that I was already 3-4cm and 75% effaced! I was surprised to hear her say that I needed to be at the hospital within 30 minutes of the next contraction I had. My other two labors were very short, 5 hours with Micah and 3 hours with Hannah, so they didn't want me to risk having this baby at home or in the car. I personally know of several super moms that have done this - but I wasn't sure I wanted to be one of them!

After I walked out of that appointment, Josh and I started getting everything prepared and ready to rush to the hospital at a moment's notice. We had friends on call to help take care of Micah and Hannah. And since everything in Jacksonville is about a 20 minute drive, Josh didn't want to risk being too far away from me and never left my side. 

I started having definite signs of impending labor after my appointment. I know those cervical checks can "aggravate" things a little, so I expected them to go away by the next day. But all weekend long, the signs kept pointing to labor coming soon. I tried to stay busy to keep my mind occupied - and that probably progressed things a little more.

On Monday, December 4th, I woke up around 1am with mild cramping. It was the same feeling I had when I went into labor naturally with Hannah (I was induced with Micah) and I remember thinking, "This could be it." After looking at the clock and realizing it was only 1am, I tried to go back to sleep. While laying there, I began to feel consistent contractions. I got out my handy, little contraction timer app - and was shocked when I realized they were only 1-2 minutes apart! My head started spinning with thoughts of what the doctor had said at my last appointment. 

Do I head to the hospital now?! I'm not in too much pain yet. Surely, I still have time. These contractions will have to get a lot worse before I am walking into that hospital!

I was torn between knowing that I wasn't yet in active labor, but not knowing when and how fast active labor would come. I laid there for about two hours. No sleep. Just waiting for the really painful contractions to hit. They were uncomfortable and I knew it was more than Braxton Hicks, so I decided to call our children's ministry leader, Sarah, who offered to come any time of the night to watch the kids. I called her around 2:30am and asked if she wouldn't mind coming to sleep on the couch just in case this turned into the real thing. Thankfully, she answered and was gracious enough to come right away! I felt better knowing she was there, and told her to get some rest and we would just wait to see what happened.

Now, even though this is my third baby - when it comes to labor, it is so unpredictable that you really don't feel like you can trust your own instincts! So, I turned to Google. I laid there, contractions still coming, and searched, "How long til active labor begins after consistent contractions?" As it turns out, Google doesn't have a definite answer on this either. But I did read a few "my contractions weren't very painful and then I was ready to push 10 minutes later!" stories that scared me enough to wake up Josh as soon as one, semi-painful, stronger contraction hit!

At 4:30am, we were at the hospital. I was honestly prepared for them to check me and send me home, since I still wasn't in too much pain. To my surprise, the nurse said, "You are 4-5cm and 90%... yes girl, you are having this baby TODAY." It was a relief to hear her say!

Throughout my entire pregnancy, I saw close to eight different doctors at my all-female OBGYN practice. They were all nice, but one stood out to me as my favorite. I guess I put her down as my "preferred doctor" at one of my appointments, because the nurse told me, "Guess what? Looks like your preferred doctor is about to switch over and be the on-call doctor at shift change!" I knew after she said that, that this was the right day to have Chloe. It was one of those confirmation moments that only the Lord can give you peace in. 

They were monitoring my contractions, and I was still having them every two minutes or so. While we waited for the doctor to come and check on my progress, I asked if I could walk the halls and try to pick up the intensity of the contractions a little. Josh and I walked for about 45 minutes with little change. I went back to our room and we turned on the Hillsong Christmas album, The Peace Project (one of my favorites this season!), and waited for the doctor to arrive. When she came, she said that my water was cushioning the contractions and that she could break my water to get things moving. She also said that if I was considering an epidural I would need to go ahead and get one, since things would intensify quickly after that.

I have always had such positive experiences with the epidural relaxing my body and helping me progress quickly, so I went ahead with it. Turns out, this epidural was my favorite so far! I had full control of my legs and could feel every contraction that came - just as I had been before they broke my water. The nurse told me that this meant it was a "good epidural," since I would still have the ability to feel when and where to push.  

After the epidural, they broke my water and gave me a low dosage of pitocin to kick my body into full gear. A couple of peaceful hours later, and Chloe was ready to meet us! 

I had texted my sister earlier to let her know we were at the hospital and had the spontaneous idea to ask her if she'd like to be in the room when Chloe was born! She got there just as I was about ready to push. My sister and I were only 7 weeks apart during our pregnancies and she had planned on having an all-natural birth, but found out at 39 weeks that her little girl was breech and would need to be delivered via c-section. My sister has always been fascinated with things that most people can't stomach to watch, so I knew she'd be able to handle it. It was so special to have her there and she was also able to capture some sweet photos for us! 

At 2:18pm, Chloe Anne Robinson was born. 7lbs 14oz and 19in long. She was our tiniest baby yet, but came out with the most hair! She was also covered in vernix, which let me know she was probably still a little early. But thankfully, was completely healthy and had no issues at birth!

As I was being wheeled out of the hospital, the nurse asked if we planned on having any more children (yes, she did). And the truth is, we don't know. It makes me sad to think of never being pregnant, giving birth and meeting a sweet new soul again. So I never feel right completely shutting that door. And if you know our story, you know that we had some trouble getting pregnant the first time and it's a privilege I never take for granted. 

All I can say for sure, is every child is a gift. And nothing else compares to these smiles, these snuggles, these tear-your-heart-out moments of witnessing life on life happen before your eyes. In five years, we have been blessed with three children. I never could have imagined or planned this for myself.

But God knew.
He knew each one by name.
And I am so honored to be called their mama.