Almost four years ago, I experienced what many refer to as a “faith crisis.” The way I define it is that point where your heart and mind are telling you different things — and you begin to question what you know to be true. Ironically, mine came while I was in the middle of reading a devotional. I was reading someone else’s words and the author was attempting to comfort the reader by sharing that everything in our lives had been intentionally planned by God. I was at a particular point in my life where I was wrestling with my past. I was wrestling with why God had allowed certain things to be a part of my history that would forever impact my future. These words did not comfort me.
It was one of the hardest seasons of my life, spiritually. And yet, here we were in the middle of launching a new campus with our church (looking back on it now, the timing doesn’t seem as coincidental). We were also just blessed with the news that we would be expecting our third child… so in the midst of God doing so much good, I was a puddle of hormones and ridden with anxiety. I cried more that pregnancy than I have my entire life, I think.
The worst part of struggling, I’ve learned, is when you feel all alone. One reason a faith crisis is so isolating is because the source of our spiritual nourishment is in question. How do you comfort a person with the Bible they are wrestling with believing? Who could I talk to, as a pastor’s wife, when I’m struggling in my faith? What if some of my pain was caused by the very place I would normally seek out encouragement — the church?
That was a heavy season.
But God, in His mercy, carried and sustained me through it. He drew me close to Him and reminded me of His love for the downcast, for the broken, for the sinner. When I was disappointed, He reminded me that I should never let my disappointment in people make me disappointed in Him. People will always fail us. He never will.
“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!”
Isaiah 26:3
Although that season was not one I would like to repeat — I am, honestly, very grateful for it. Because going through that “faith crisis” inadvertently helped strengthen my faith. What Satan meant for harm, God planned to use for good. I am still on a journey of wrestling through things I’ve always believed and didn’t actually know why I believed them. But I’m not afraid of that anymore. God reminded me that He is big enough for my questions and doubts — in fact, He welcomes an honest and open heart.
All throughout Scripture we see men and women of faith being honest in their prayers to God.
When Abraham couldn’t have a son, he questioned God’s blessings:
“O Sovereign Lord, what good are all your blessings when I don’t even have a son? Since you’ve given me no children, Eliezer of Damascus, a servant in my household, will inherit all my wealth.”
Genesis 15:2
When Hannah desired a child, Scripture says “she wept and cried bitterly to the Lord” (we don’t always get to read the words — but if you’ve been there, you can imagine). She even refused to eat and her husband didn’t understand.
“Why are you crying, Hannah? Elkanah would ask. “Why aren’t you eating? Why be downhearted just because you have no children? You have me — isn’t that better than having ten sons?”
1 Samuel 1:8
And of all people in Scripture, no one transparently opens themselves up more than David in the Psalms and Scripture calls him “a man after God’s own heart.”
“Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes. My body and soul are withering away. I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Sin has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within.”
Psalm 31:9-10
You can find hundreds of verses in Psalms of David lamenting and crying out in grief. But, you will also find hundreds of verses of him praising God as well. The ups and downs are truly part of every faith journey.
And I don’t think we’re honest enough about that.
As much comfort as I’ve received from the Lord, I’m still nervous to share about this season of my life. I would love for you to think my faith has always been strong and I’ve never once doubted, but what good would that do for anyone? I’m afraid too many people in the church are silently struggling and/or leaving the church because of their battle with shame that could have been avoided had someone come along and said, “I’ve been there too.”
Whatever the reason for your faith crisis — whether it’s politics, or disappointment in leadership or sin struggles — I’m here to tell you, you are NOT alone.
The enemy would love for us to believe that when our faith is tested or we are discouraged — that our spiritual life is worthless. He, especially, would love to isolate us from the church and not see us use our gifts or talents for the benefit of the body.
I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to step down from leading worship during seasons of discouragement. The enemy would constantly tell me that I was unworthy. But the Lord would remind me, through the wonderful words of encouragement from my sweet husband and Scripture, that just like Paul in 2 Corinthians — God’s power works best in weakness. We don’t worship God because we are worthy, we worship Him because He is.
“I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”
2 Corinthians 12:7b-9
I don’t know what 2020 looked like for all of you — but I can imagine, for many, that it may have been a “faith crisis” year. If you are finding yourself in a struggling season, I want to encourage you not to isolate, but to seek out people who will listen and pray for you when you can’t find the words. And when you do, cry out to God with an honest heart. Press in where it hurts and let Him know it. He already does.
“But I will keep on hoping for your help, I will praise you more and more. I will tell everyone about your righteousness. All day long I will proclaim your saving power, though I am not skilled with words. I will praise your mighty deeds, O Sovereign Lord. I will tell everyone that you alone are just.”
Psalm 71:14-16
