I had one of those sleepless nights again. They hit me ever so often. Now that my kids are 5, 9 and 10 years old and having the best sleep of their lives, it’s like my body is missing early motherhood and being up all night or something.

If there is one thing I have learned our body needs to function well, it is sleep and rest. When we are lacking in this area, our body will literally crave sleep and to give in to that craving is natural, normal and healthy for us.

But what do we do when we crave things that are unhealthy?

As a follower of Jesus, my goal in life is to imitate and live by His teachings. I believe He was who He said He was and should have full authority as Lord of my life. Because I believe this, I take the Bible seriously. It is the most sacred, historical document that we have that has been preserved for centuries. It is meant for our good and for our spiritual health. The Bible is not just a book of rules to beat us over the head with, but the redemptive story of Jesus sent to redeem us and provide a new way of living.

In fact, Paul wrote in Galatians 5:14 that the whole law could be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Turns out that this is actually a lot easier said than done. Because if we are truly loving ourselves well, we are living out another verse in Galatians:

“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.”

Galatians 5:24

Which sounds a lot like what Jesus asked of His disciples when He said in Matthew 16:24:

“If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me.”

We live in a culture where we have instant gratification at our fingertips. We can have anything we want faster than ever before! As the rapid speed of self-gratification increases, it becomes increasingly more important (and difficult!) for us to practice the discipline of self-denial. By evidence of how often I have to fight my own sinful urges, I still have a long way to go.

“So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.”

Galatians 5:16

While I was awake last night, this topic of self-denial would not leave my mind. So I did some research on cravings.

Get this: Experts agree that the way to beat a craving is to drink more water. Flushing out the addictive tendencies and replacing them with one of the most basic needs for survival! Water is not always appealing on the surface, but it is the source of LIFE.

Lately, I have been wrestling with the tension of why my life constantly feels like a struggle. Did I say the right thing? Was that the right choice? Should I wear this? Should I read that? And these don’t even begin to touch the surface of the questions I’m constantly asking as I raise my children. Am I making the right decisions for their future? Are we raising them to pursue and love Jesus with all their heart? This is me just being transparent, but I thought by now I would have more things figured out.

As I have sought God through prayer, reading and listening to the teachings on Scripture… I am learning that maybe the fact that we are struggling, means we are doing something right. Maybe living the Christian life is actually constantly being in the struggle against our flesh. (John Mark Comer has a great book out about this very thing!)

Speaking of struggling…

Running is something I have taken up consistently over the last few years and it’s honestly helped me in this area of self-denial. Now that I am three years in to a running regimen, I have learned to love it. But in the beginning (and there are still days!) I was denying myself any form of comfort or pleasure in the moment, for the reward and benefit that would come later.

Just as we train our bodies physically, we also have to train our bodies, spiritually. This looks like putting an effort into the spiritual disciplines of reading God’s word, worship, finding supportive community and accountability, prayer and fasting. All of these disciplines train our sinful bodies to have a spiritual appetite. Without them, we will constantly be miserable. Wonder why you all of a sudden dread going to church? Could be time to check your appetite.

Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should.

1 Corinthians 9:24-27

Now for a little real talk… I am in a season of life as a busy wife and mom of three, that I can get fed up and exhausted to the point where I just want to do something for myself. It can become so easy to justify giving in to sinful desires, because “I pour out so much” and “I deserve it.” And I will tell you, I have my weak moments and there are absolutely days that I give in to the wrong cravings. I am still on a journey like everyone of growing and repenting, daily. But this kind of debilitating thinking only further leads down a path of self-destruction. Praise God that He has rescued me from this path several times!

I believe the scariest place to be, as a believer, is when we begin to rationalize our sinful desires. We no longer have the warning light that we are doing something unhealthy and our conscience begins to get seared to the point where we no longer crave spiritual things. Apathy sets in and we become like the people 1 Timothy 3 warns us to stay away from in the last days:

You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that!

This is when we need to go back to the advice of the experts on how to get rid of unhealthy cravings - drink more water. And in this case, the living water of Jesus Christ is the One that will never leave us thirsty again.

But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.

John 4:14

And with the living water flowing within us, the Spirit of God, we can continue to run the race with endurance. Not giving up. Staying in the struggle and not losing heart. This is my prayer for all of us as we walk this journey together.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus,the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-3

Humans are fickle and make horrible idols.

This is probably not the warm, fuzzy Christmas message that people like to hear during this season. But after talking with a wise friend over the phone yesterday, I can’t shake what she said.

“When we let someone have so much power over us to the point that we worry about what they think or become insecure in our words and actions when we are around them — we have positioned them as an idol in our lives. No one, but God, deserves that kind of power!”

I know I can’t be alone here when I say, I know what it’s like to live this way. When a person becomes an idol in your life — anything they do, good or bad, has a drastic effect on you. This is dangerous because, ultimately, humans will always disappoint.

We simply weren’t created to be worshiped.

Even the “great heroes” in The Bible were very flawed and fickle individuals. Perhaps that’s why we can identify so easily with them:

We are Adam and Eve thinking we know better than God.

We are Noah walking in faith one day and drunk and naked the next.

We are Job asking God why He’s taken so much away from us.

We are David in a constant struggle between seeking after God’s heart and our own sinful desires.

We are Jonah running from God in disobedience.

We are John the Baptist with radical faith and still crippled by doubt.

We are Peter walking on water one day and denying Jesus the next.

And these are just a few examples.

Reading through the characters in the Bible makes me wonder why anyone in church ever acts like they have it together! We are all a broken mess in need of the redemptive saving of Jesus Christ. This is the best time of year to refocus our hearts and minds on what this life is all about. The why began in the Garden and the how began in a manger.

May we bow at the manger in worship to the only One truly worthy.

Almost four years ago, I experienced what many refer to as a “faith crisis.” The way I define it is that point where your heart and mind are telling you different things — and you begin to question what you know to be true. Ironically, mine came while I was in the middle of reading a devotional. I was reading someone else’s words and the author was attempting to comfort the reader by sharing that everything in our lives had been intentionally planned by God. I was at a particular point in my life where I was wrestling with my past. I was wrestling with why God had allowed certain things to be a part of my history that would forever impact my future. These words did not comfort me.

It was one of the hardest seasons of my life, spiritually. And yet, here we were in the middle of launching a new campus with our church (looking back on it now, the timing doesn’t seem as coincidental). We were also just blessed with the news that we would be expecting our third child… so in the midst of God doing so much good, I was a puddle of hormones and ridden with anxiety. I cried more that pregnancy than I have my entire life, I think.

The worst part of struggling, I’ve learned, is when you feel all alone. One reason a faith crisis is so isolating is because the source of our spiritual nourishment is in question. How do you comfort a person with the Bible they are wrestling with believing? Who could I talk to, as a pastor’s wife, when I’m struggling in my faith? What if some of my pain was caused by the very place I would normally seek out encouragement — the church?

That was a heavy season.

But God, in His mercy, carried and sustained me through it. He drew me close to Him and reminded me of His love for the downcast, for the broken, for the sinner. When I was disappointed, He reminded me that I should never let my disappointment in people make me disappointed in Him. People will always fail us. He never will.

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!”

Isaiah 26:3

Although that season was not one I would like to repeat — I am, honestly, very grateful for it. Because going through that “faith crisis” inadvertently helped strengthen my faith. What Satan meant for harm, God planned to use for good. I am still on a journey of wrestling through things I’ve always believed and didn’t actually know why I believed them. But I’m not afraid of that anymore. God reminded me that He is big enough for my questions and doubts — in fact, He welcomes an honest and open heart.

All throughout Scripture we see men and women of faith being honest in their prayers to God.

When Abraham couldn’t have a son, he questioned God’s blessings:

“O Sovereign Lord, what good are all your blessings when I don’t even have a son? Since you’ve given me no children, Eliezer of Damascus, a servant in my household, will inherit all my wealth.”

Genesis 15:2

When Hannah desired a child, Scripture says “she wept and cried bitterly to the Lord” (we don’t always get to read the words — but if you’ve been there, you can imagine). She even refused to eat and her husband didn’t understand.

“Why are you crying, Hannah? Elkanah would ask. “Why aren’t you eating? Why be downhearted just because you have no children? You have me — isn’t that better than having ten sons?”

1 Samuel 1:8

And of all people in Scripture, no one transparently opens themselves up more than David in the Psalms and Scripture calls him “a man after God’s own heart.”

“Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes. My body and soul are withering away. I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Sin has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within.”

Psalm 31:9-10

You can find hundreds of verses in Psalms of David lamenting and crying out in grief. But, you will also find hundreds of verses of him praising God as well. The ups and downs are truly part of every faith journey.

And I don’t think we’re honest enough about that.

As much comfort as I’ve received from the Lord, I’m still nervous to share about this season of my life. I would love for you to think my faith has always been strong and I’ve never once doubted, but what good would that do for anyone? I’m afraid too many people in the church are silently struggling and/or leaving the church because of their battle with shame that could have been avoided had someone come along and said, “I’ve been there too.”

Whatever the reason for your faith crisis — whether it’s politics, or disappointment in leadership or sin struggles — I’m here to tell you, you are NOT alone.

The enemy would love for us to believe that when our faith is tested or we are discouraged — that our spiritual life is worthless. He, especially, would love to isolate us from the church and not see us use our gifts or talents for the benefit of the body.

I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to step down from leading worship during seasons of discouragement. The enemy would constantly tell me that I was unworthy. But the Lord would remind me, through the wonderful words of encouragement from my sweet husband and Scripture, that just like Paul in 2 Corinthians — God’s power works best in weakness. We don’t worship God because we are worthy, we worship Him because He is.

“I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”

2 Corinthians 12:7b-9

I don’t know what 2020 looked like for all of you — but I can imagine, for many, that it may have been a “faith crisis” year. If you are finding yourself in a struggling season, I want to encourage you not to isolate, but to seek out people who will listen and pray for you when you can’t find the words. And when you do, cry out to God with an honest heart. Press in where it hurts and let Him know it. He already does.

“But I will keep on hoping for your help, I will praise you more and more. I will tell everyone about your righteousness. All day long I will proclaim your saving power, though I am not skilled with words. I will praise your mighty deeds, O Sovereign Lord. I will tell everyone that you alone are just.”

Psalm 71:14-16