I had one of those sleepless nights again. They hit me ever so often. Now that my kids are 5, 9 and 10 years old and having the best sleep of their lives, it’s like my body is missing early motherhood and being up all night or something.

If there is one thing I have learned our body needs to function well, it is sleep and rest. When we are lacking in this area, our body will literally crave sleep and to give in to that craving is natural, normal and healthy for us.

But what do we do when we crave things that are unhealthy?

As a follower of Jesus, my goal in life is to imitate and live by His teachings. I believe He was who He said He was and should have full authority as Lord of my life. Because I believe this, I take the Bible seriously. It is the most sacred, historical document that we have that has been preserved for centuries. It is meant for our good and for our spiritual health. The Bible is not just a book of rules to beat us over the head with, but the redemptive story of Jesus sent to redeem us and provide a new way of living.

In fact, Paul wrote in Galatians 5:14 that the whole law could be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Turns out that this is actually a lot easier said than done. Because if we are truly loving ourselves well, we are living out another verse in Galatians:

“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.”

Galatians 5:24

Which sounds a lot like what Jesus asked of His disciples when He said in Matthew 16:24:

“If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me.”

We live in a culture where we have instant gratification at our fingertips. We can have anything we want faster than ever before! As the rapid speed of self-gratification increases, it becomes increasingly more important (and difficult!) for us to practice the discipline of self-denial. By evidence of how often I have to fight my own sinful urges, I still have a long way to go.

“So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.”

Galatians 5:16

While I was awake last night, this topic of self-denial would not leave my mind. So I did some research on cravings.

Get this: Experts agree that the way to beat a craving is to drink more water. Flushing out the addictive tendencies and replacing them with one of the most basic needs for survival! Water is not always appealing on the surface, but it is the source of LIFE.

Lately, I have been wrestling with the tension of why my life constantly feels like a struggle. Did I say the right thing? Was that the right choice? Should I wear this? Should I read that? And these don’t even begin to touch the surface of the questions I’m constantly asking as I raise my children. Am I making the right decisions for their future? Are we raising them to pursue and love Jesus with all their heart? This is me just being transparent, but I thought by now I would have more things figured out.

As I have sought God through prayer, reading and listening to the teachings on Scripture… I am learning that maybe the fact that we are struggling, means we are doing something right. Maybe living the Christian life is actually constantly being in the struggle against our flesh. (John Mark Comer has a great book out about this very thing!)

Speaking of struggling…

Running is something I have taken up consistently over the last few years and it’s honestly helped me in this area of self-denial. Now that I am three years in to a running regimen, I have learned to love it. But in the beginning (and there are still days!) I was denying myself any form of comfort or pleasure in the moment, for the reward and benefit that would come later.

Just as we train our bodies physically, we also have to train our bodies, spiritually. This looks like putting an effort into the spiritual disciplines of reading God’s word, worship, finding supportive community and accountability, prayer and fasting. All of these disciplines train our sinful bodies to have a spiritual appetite. Without them, we will constantly be miserable. Wonder why you all of a sudden dread going to church? Could be time to check your appetite.

Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should.

1 Corinthians 9:24-27

Now for a little real talk… I am in a season of life as a busy wife and mom of three, that I can get fed up and exhausted to the point where I just want to do something for myself. It can become so easy to justify giving in to sinful desires, because “I pour out so much” and “I deserve it.” And I will tell you, I have my weak moments and there are absolutely days that I give in to the wrong cravings. I am still on a journey like everyone of growing and repenting, daily. But this kind of debilitating thinking only further leads down a path of self-destruction. Praise God that He has rescued me from this path several times!

I believe the scariest place to be, as a believer, is when we begin to rationalize our sinful desires. We no longer have the warning light that we are doing something unhealthy and our conscience begins to get seared to the point where we no longer crave spiritual things. Apathy sets in and we become like the people 1 Timothy 3 warns us to stay away from in the last days:

You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that!

This is when we need to go back to the advice of the experts on how to get rid of unhealthy cravings - drink more water. And in this case, the living water of Jesus Christ is the One that will never leave us thirsty again.

But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.

John 4:14

And with the living water flowing within us, the Spirit of God, we can continue to run the race with endurance. Not giving up. Staying in the struggle and not losing heart. This is my prayer for all of us as we walk this journey together.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus,the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-3

I have been thinking lately about seasons. Not necessarily the meterological kind, although I am eagerly awaiting fall here in Florida (if there ever was such a thing). Seasons in Florida are a bit of a mystery, because while they tell us on paper that it’s “fall” it still very much feels like “summer” until one day you’re caught freezing outside watching your kid’s soccer game without a jacket in sight. Florida blood is thin, so next time you prepare well and bring out your cutest, comfiest sweater that you’ve been dying to wear and then end up sweating in it for 3 hours while drinking a pumpkin spice latte. The memes are very real.

Anyway, I’m not talking about those types of seasons. I’m talking about seasons in life. College, dating, marriage, parents, grandparents, retirement, etc. It’s funny how we spend so much time preparing for a career in high school but, no one actually tells you that if the Lord wills, the longest season of your entire life may be something you were completely unprepared for — parenting.

There’s a common saying that, “you could never be prepared to be a parent.” And while I get the sentiment, every child is going to be different and have a different set of needs, no one ever says that about other seasons of life. We never say, “Don’t worry about having a good work ethic now, because every job is different.” And when it comes to marriage, you’ll hear people often say, “Become the type of person you want to marry.” We are expected to spend time learning and growing for other seasons of life, but parenting? Just wing it. You can never be prepared. Good luck!

Our oldest boy turned ten last weekend and we’ve officially been in the thick of this parenting thing for a decade now. It flew by and at the same time, we’ve lived so much life! Currently, I am watching as friends and previous students of ours (my husband, Josh, was a student pastor for 14 years!) are becoming parents for the first time. It brings me back to those early days of not knowing what I was doing, ha! And while I am still very much learning and growing everyday from those ahead of me, there are a few things I’m sensing the Lord wants me to share that I’ve learned from being a parent in just this short time.

1. You will spend more time learning than teaching.

   I think we assume we will go into parenting teaching our children all the things. We may even have a long list of things on the priority list to teach them. But it humbles me to acknowledge, while I can foster and encourage a good learning environment, I can’t take credit for everything they learn. Ultimately each child is going to learn and grow at their own pace. If nothing else teaches you this… just wait until potty training. I potty-trained three children the exact same way and they all took to it a little differently! Before you can teach, you will need to learn how your child receives information. Whether it’s learning to sit up, eat with a spoon, read or write or more spiritual things, like going to church, reading their Bible and following Jesus. We can only take so much credit for what they do with the information they receive. Don’t forget to pay attention along the way, because you’ll need to study your child as you help them become good students.

2. You will sacrifice a lot.

   It’s not if you will sacrifice something when you become a parent, it’s what and how much you are willing to sacrifice. You will have to sacrifice your time and energy to put someone else’s needs first. (I remember when I got my first cold while nursing one of my babies and realizing that the show must go on! I couldn’t stop feeding my baby just because I was sick). You will have to make sacrifices in your budget and finances. (We have reached the point where all of our kids finish their own meals and one orders off the adult menu! Eating out is now a luxury.) You will have to sacrifice some hobbies you really enjoy (hence, why I rarely have time to blog anymore! Until your kids get a little older and maybe you can enjoy some of those hobbies together!) The sacrifices are all worth it though, because ultimately laying down yourself for another grows your capacity to give and love fully.

3. You may question all of your life choices.

   I would be lying if I didn’t admit that parenting can drive anyone a little crazy at times. At some point, you will question if you are doing the right thing. You will question this no matter what type of diapers you choose for your baby, the type of food you feed your family, whether you stay home or work, or the type of schooling you choose for your kids. If there’s anything I’ve learned from becoming a parent, it’s that we are all doing the best we know how to do. A good parent questions their decisions constantly, because they want the best for their child. The important thing is that we seek good advice from people we trust and walk wisely in those decisions. And as one of my good friends always encourages me, “You can always change your mind!”

There is probably so much more I could share, but I only have so much time (because I’m a parent, after all!) One of the best things I’ve learned in this season is to give grace to myself and others. No parent is a perfect parent. I’ve failed, asked forgiveness and learned to get back up and try again. The only perfect example we have is Jesus. Which ultimately brings me to the most important thing I’ve learned as a parent…

I need Jesus, more than AnythIng.

Of all the seasons in life, I feel the most sanctified in this one. While sometimes this season of parenting children can feel like the hardest thing we will ever do, I know the reality in the back of every parent’s mind is… it’s temporary. And just like seasons in Florida, it may come and go as quickly as it arrived.

Almost four years ago, I experienced what many refer to as a “faith crisis.” The way I define it is that point where your heart and mind are telling you different things — and you begin to question what you know to be true. Ironically, mine came while I was in the middle of reading a devotional. I was reading someone else’s words and the author was attempting to comfort the reader by sharing that everything in our lives had been intentionally planned by God. I was at a particular point in my life where I was wrestling with my past. I was wrestling with why God had allowed certain things to be a part of my history that would forever impact my future. These words did not comfort me.

It was one of the hardest seasons of my life, spiritually. And yet, here we were in the middle of launching a new campus with our church (looking back on it now, the timing doesn’t seem as coincidental). We were also just blessed with the news that we would be expecting our third child… so in the midst of God doing so much good, I was a puddle of hormones and ridden with anxiety. I cried more that pregnancy than I have my entire life, I think.

The worst part of struggling, I’ve learned, is when you feel all alone. One reason a faith crisis is so isolating is because the source of our spiritual nourishment is in question. How do you comfort a person with the Bible they are wrestling with believing? Who could I talk to, as a pastor’s wife, when I’m struggling in my faith? What if some of my pain was caused by the very place I would normally seek out encouragement — the church?

That was a heavy season.

But God, in His mercy, carried and sustained me through it. He drew me close to Him and reminded me of His love for the downcast, for the broken, for the sinner. When I was disappointed, He reminded me that I should never let my disappointment in people make me disappointed in Him. People will always fail us. He never will.

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!”

Isaiah 26:3

Although that season was not one I would like to repeat — I am, honestly, very grateful for it. Because going through that “faith crisis” inadvertently helped strengthen my faith. What Satan meant for harm, God planned to use for good. I am still on a journey of wrestling through things I’ve always believed and didn’t actually know why I believed them. But I’m not afraid of that anymore. God reminded me that He is big enough for my questions and doubts — in fact, He welcomes an honest and open heart.

All throughout Scripture we see men and women of faith being honest in their prayers to God.

When Abraham couldn’t have a son, he questioned God’s blessings:

“O Sovereign Lord, what good are all your blessings when I don’t even have a son? Since you’ve given me no children, Eliezer of Damascus, a servant in my household, will inherit all my wealth.”

Genesis 15:2

When Hannah desired a child, Scripture says “she wept and cried bitterly to the Lord” (we don’t always get to read the words — but if you’ve been there, you can imagine). She even refused to eat and her husband didn’t understand.

“Why are you crying, Hannah? Elkanah would ask. “Why aren’t you eating? Why be downhearted just because you have no children? You have me — isn’t that better than having ten sons?”

1 Samuel 1:8

And of all people in Scripture, no one transparently opens themselves up more than David in the Psalms and Scripture calls him “a man after God’s own heart.”

“Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes. My body and soul are withering away. I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Sin has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within.”

Psalm 31:9-10

You can find hundreds of verses in Psalms of David lamenting and crying out in grief. But, you will also find hundreds of verses of him praising God as well. The ups and downs are truly part of every faith journey.

And I don’t think we’re honest enough about that.

As much comfort as I’ve received from the Lord, I’m still nervous to share about this season of my life. I would love for you to think my faith has always been strong and I’ve never once doubted, but what good would that do for anyone? I’m afraid too many people in the church are silently struggling and/or leaving the church because of their battle with shame that could have been avoided had someone come along and said, “I’ve been there too.”

Whatever the reason for your faith crisis — whether it’s politics, or disappointment in leadership or sin struggles — I’m here to tell you, you are NOT alone.

The enemy would love for us to believe that when our faith is tested or we are discouraged — that our spiritual life is worthless. He, especially, would love to isolate us from the church and not see us use our gifts or talents for the benefit of the body.

I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to step down from leading worship during seasons of discouragement. The enemy would constantly tell me that I was unworthy. But the Lord would remind me, through the wonderful words of encouragement from my sweet husband and Scripture, that just like Paul in 2 Corinthians — God’s power works best in weakness. We don’t worship God because we are worthy, we worship Him because He is.

“I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”

2 Corinthians 12:7b-9

I don’t know what 2020 looked like for all of you — but I can imagine, for many, that it may have been a “faith crisis” year. If you are finding yourself in a struggling season, I want to encourage you not to isolate, but to seek out people who will listen and pray for you when you can’t find the words. And when you do, cry out to God with an honest heart. Press in where it hurts and let Him know it. He already does.

“But I will keep on hoping for your help, I will praise you more and more. I will tell everyone about your righteousness. All day long I will proclaim your saving power, though I am not skilled with words. I will praise your mighty deeds, O Sovereign Lord. I will tell everyone that you alone are just.”

Psalm 71:14-16