My husband texted me earlier today and told me that I could have some alone time tonight (have I mentioned lately how much I love that man?) After agonizing for about twenty minutes over all the things I could possibly go do (and accepting that I would never have time to do them all), I settled on a quiet dinner and doing a little writing.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to sit and write in solitude. I usually have tiny people who find their way to my side, interrupting any train of thought that I might have had. Once the train completely derails, I’ll usually save the draft in hopes to catch a ride back on it at another time. I have 200 trains to catch in my draft folder.

But here I am sitting, BY MYSELF, in a Panera. After scanning the restaurant a couple times, I picked a cozy seat in the corner with my green tea, broccoli cheddar soup and Roasted Turkey Avocado BLT sandwich. Oh, and can’t forget the warm chocolate chip cookie for .99 (the cashier talked me into it).

I was surprisingly decisive about my food choices today.
But if I’m honest, most of the time I have no idea what I want.

I have been (pretty much) silent about politics on this blog for the past three years. Part of that is due to being a busy mom of three (lacking a coherent train of thought, like I said), but also because I believe wholeheartedly there are some issues that we, as a nation, will never see eye-to-eye on. And there are people I love too much and would rather not have political opinions getting in the way of that.

But, goodness… my heart is grieved.
And today, I’m taking this train to the station.

I am absolutely horrified by the NY law that passed this week allowing abortions up to the BIRTH of a child. The act of abortion at any point of a pregnancy has always been viewed as murder to me. I realize that this is partly due to my strong belief that life begins at conception and also because at the very beginning of each pregnancy - I wanted the child. But even when I, surprisingly, found out I was pregnant again when my first baby was only 9 months old - I knew that what was happening inside me was creating life. I knew, because it took us over a year of trying to get pregnant the first time and I learned that it doesn’t happen that easily. There’s a whole lot that has to take place before that positive pregnancy test - and a whole lot that has to happen to sustain the pregnancy. It’s a miracle every time.

If at any point, of any of my pregnancies, someone came and injected a poison in me that caused my baby’s heart to stop - I would have sued them for murder! And by law, I would have won.

Yet, by law, if a women decides that she doesn’t want a baby at any point of her pregnancy it automatically becomes okay for her to end its life? After all it went through to make it this far?

Many stories have come out about late term abortions, and how most of the time they are decided because the doctors had informed them that their pregnancy was not viable and/or the child would be born with some type of disability. And with our technology today, I don’t doubt that often the doctors may be right, but… sometimes they are wrong.

I was told at our 15 week ultrasound with my daughter, Hannah (my “surprise” pregnancy), that she had two soft-markers for Down Syndrome. After more ultrasounds and blood tests (that in retrospect probably added to unnecessary anxiety and stress) they confirmed that there was a 99% chance that she didn’t have DS. I knew we were going to keep her no matter what - but the day she was born the nurse looked at me and said that, after looking at her record, some would have chosen to abort her. Yet, here I was with a beautiful, healthy baby girl. THIS is my problem with the law.

Shouldn’t we always give life a chance? In a court case, a suspect is always innocent until proven guilty. Shouldn’t an unborn baby be alive until proven otherwise? Many miscarriages and spontaneous abortions happen because the pregnancy is no longer viable, the baby’s heart stops beating, or there is a genetic disability. And sometimes this happens when there is no reason at all. Whenever a couple receives this information about their unborn child, there is almost always grieving involved. Why? Because it is a loss. Disabilities and diagnoses can happen at any point of life, for any child, born or unborn. If we aren’t allowed to dispose of our three year old after a disability diagnosis, why must we be allowed to dispose of it at 38 weeks gestation? I believe that God has gifted women with the privilege to support, sustain and protect life at all costs. Abortion is the complete opposite of that.

Let’s be clear about one thing… this law does not protect a woman’s life. While pregnant, a mother’s life has always been the priority. The doctors will induce labor at any point of a pregnancy if the mother’s life is in danger, while equally trying to save the baby after it is born. This law allows a woman to decide at any point of her pregnancy that she does not WANT the child.

I don’t say this to be cruel to women.
I say this to focus on the cruel reality of abortion.
It all comes down to what women want.

If you want to call it a child, it’s a child.
If you don’t want to call it a baby, its not.

Can I be honest? I’m a mom, sitting in Panera, getting a couple hours of alone time who couldn’t decide if I wanted a chocolate chip cookie or not. What I want changed a few hours ago. It also changed the minute I got married, became a mom for the first time and again, after I had my third child. My wants change daily and, sometimes, by the second. I was taught long ago, that selflessness meant laying down my wants and desires for the betterment of those around me.

After many years in ministry, I have also walked and prayed with women on the other side of abortion. Post-abortion pain and grief is a difficult reality for many. No one talks about this. And while there are devastating circumstances for some pregnancies, we need women to be aware that their decision to abort may have consequences that last much longer than 9 months.

Women, we have been given the beautiful responsibility of carrying and sustaining a living being.

We must learn to not just accept our bodies and the role they play in the circle of life, but protect them. And if you don’t want children, there are lots of ways to protect your reproductive system from having them (or finding homes for them if you happen to find yourself in the low-chance of pregnancy). You absolutely have that choice to make. You can have a whole hysterectomy and guarantee 1000% that your body will never get pregnant.

But the minute it does… your wants must change.

To be honest, I’m much more concerned about the state of our hearts than the laws. And I know that the only way we will see abortion end, is if women collectively decide that it’s not an option. But that’s going to be difficult. Because, the only bigger mystery than trying to figure out what women want, is figuring out what women want while pregnant.

—

(If you’re offended by this post, then you must also be offended when women joke about their raging hormones, cravings and having “pregnancy brain” while pregnant. We don’t mind admitting that our physiological makeup affects our decision making, unless it comes to choosing to terminate a pregnancy. Then we are completely rational human begins. The contradictions must end. And so must abortion.)

I wrote a post a couple months ago talking about how I wanted to get back to blogging like the old days again. And while the intentions were good, and I do long to write more frequently like I used to, I've been struggling with how to approach it.

The real problem is there's been a lot going on in this head of mine. And I've just become so exhausted, personally, reading article after article of one-sided commentary on every single topic - that I really don't want to sound like another gong beating my own drum. 

I think it would help, though, if I approached blogging like having a conversation with a friend over coffee. 

If you were that friend, I would start by telling you that we've been living in Jacksonville for 10 months now and I am still recovering from the emotional toll that this specific move has taken on us. It's hard to complain when you have so much to be grateful for, so I won't go on and on about it. But I am so thankful for the friends that have sent a message or text to let us know that they are praying for us on this journey. It has been so encouraging. Every time we move, the most painful part is leaving people. And as long as we are investing our lives in wherever the Lord calls us, I'm certain that will never get any easier. 

Speaking of investments... we are praying through whether or not to buy a house again! Our first home that we purchased in Alabama has still not sold (but thankfully has a tenant!) so we have been reluctant on taking that leap again. But now that our church campus has launched and our rental lease is up in May, we are looking to join in with the community on the Northside of Jacksonville sometime in the next few months. Not to mention, we've been told it's a good time to buy before the "economic boost" that is projected to take place now that Trump is in office.

Speaking of Trump in office... it's been something, hasn't it? I've never seen a single party so divided over a candidate quite like this. And, truthfully, I've never felt more confused in where I stand myself. It's about time, though, that Christians separated their faith from allegiance to a certain political party. And I will be the first to admit that I've gotten it wrong in the past so many times. But there is just too much at stake, spiritually, for us to keep putting our hope or hate in any governing office. Instead, let's pray and turn our actions towards being the change we want to see happen in the world (cue, Michael Jackson!) How can we love those close to us better? How can we love the least of us better? Jesus said in John 13:35 that the world will know us by our love... not by our political platforms or strong opinions. 

If I were having coffee with you, I'd probably let out a deep breath right after that last sentence and take a big sip of that coffee to shut up my own strong opinions from spewing all over the place. Because it's easy to do. And I know once I get started on a tangent, I have a hard time shutting up. 

But then, I'd probably sit back and let you take over the conversation from here. Because I'd want you to know that I value you and your thoughts as well. We may even disagree at some point, but we'd probably never raise our voices or belittle each other for having an opinion. It's funny how differences become minor when you're sitting face to face with someone - seeing their expressions, hearing their tone, and learning about all of the life experience that has helped shape their views over the years. That's the benefit of having conversations over coffee. 

“Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.

Intelligent people are always ready to learn. Their ears are open for knowledge.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭18:2, 15‬ 

The book of Ecclesiastes says, "There is a time to speak and a time to be silent." And I am certain that I will spend the rest of my life figuring out when to do either. 

I have always regarded Ecclesiastes (along with James and Proverbs) as a book full of practical wisdom. When I am torn on a decision, or don't know what to do in a situation - I often turn to one of these books for help on what is wise. Sometimes this wisdom means confronting the problem and coming face-to-face with the issue at hand. And sometimes, it means stepping away and spending time in prayer, allowing God to do what He does best - taking the issue from my hand.

This has been a life-long, learning process for me. Because my first instinct is always to DO or SAY something. I'm an advocate for injustice. If I believe something is wrong - those close to me will most definitely know about it. 

Yet, while advocating is a good thing - arguing isn't (I even wrote a post on this very topic last year). And especially, for followers of Jesus, this can be damaging to our faith and witness if we are not careful. 

Last week, I made the mistake of sharing my opinion of this election season on social media. Listen to me when I say - it was a mistake. What I thought would just be an opportunity to offer a different perspective for my friends and family on the election - turned out to just be an opportunity for them to have a different perspective of me. Because, like it or not, people associate you with your opinions. Insults were fired and blame was casted - all because of the way I was choosing to vote/or not vote.

It got so bad that I had to deactivate my Facebook account, for fear of receiving another discouraging Facebook message. My heart just couldn't handle it anymore. I'm sure I'll be back eventually, just probably not until after the heat of this election is over.

There's a reason people say the two things you should never discuss are religion and politics. Because when people tie their identity into something - any criticism towards the subject becomes directed at the person. 

And while, for the sake of eternity, I can take the insults about my faith. And for that reason, I will never choose to be silent about what I believe about Jesus.

Politics, on the other hand, is temporary. Not eternal. And my identity and hope will never be found in who I'm voting for. Keeping that in mind, I think this is what Ecclesiastes would refer to as the time to be silent. 

“For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now, rather we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.”

— 2 Corinthians 4:17-18