I'm the kind of person who likes to be in a crowd of people, but doesn't mind sitting alone or off to the side chatting with just a few. As the internet is getting more and more crowded, I find myself drawn more and more to this little space.

In the early days of blogging (I'm talking 2008-2009, been here a long time!), you could do things like blog without a specific topic just because you felt like it. You could share photos of your kids and family, without worrying about someone stealing them. In those days, blogs were more lifestyle and less promotional. 

I want to keep blogging. And I want to keep doing it the old-fashioned way. And yet, I can't ignore the fact that social media has basically killed the blogosphere.

I miss the community that once existed in the blog world. I miss the encouragement and humor. The life updates that let you hear the stories that the photos don't always tell. There was something so honest about it. You couldn't just hide behind a pretty picture - you had to use your voice to engage. 

When I think about blogging these days, it's usually only when a certain topic is heavy on my heart. The little stuff is for Facebook or Instagram. And the even littler stuff - like those one liners that are usually not as funny as I think they are - for Twitter.

But, there is a lot of life going on behind the little snippets that we all share. There are a lot of really great moments that never get Tweeted and a lot of really sad moments that are barely ever captured in a photo. And maybe that's a good thing, because some things do deserve to be kept private. But, for the amount of time that we spend engaging online - the facade has got to be stripped back every once and awhile to let people in. Just getting "likes" on social media doesn't really mean much, anyway. I want to have conversations. 

So, here's to blogging like the old days again. And me getting my nice camera out every once and awhile to capture my babies in their favorite element. And telling the fuller stories behind the photos. 

Like this one... we spent the morning at the park the other day. Micah and Hannah had a blast! They love getting out of the house and, especially, meeting and playing with other kids. It's funny, at one point, they both wanted to ride the same horse and Micah (being the taller one) beat her to the saddle. As I was snapping away, I captured a photo of Hannah falling backwards after being bumped by the booty of the horse Micah was proudly riding! It was a photo to cherish. But probably one I wouldn't normally share on social media - just because, you never know what people will say (she was completely fine, by the way, and got up as quickly as she fell!)

But I'll share it here. Here in my little space. And who knows, I may decide to make this place my more permanent home on the internet, using social media only as a tool to promote it. Because there was a day when engaging on the internet was inspiring for me, and most of the credit goes back to those early days of blogging. 

Oh gosh, I'm starting to sound old. 

The countdown til Christmas is officially on! Every year since becoming a parent people have told me, "Just wait until next year... it gets better!" Well, this is the 5th Christmas we've celebrated with Micah and our 3rd Christmas with Hannah, and they were right... it just keeps getting better!

I just love that they are both able to grasp the concept of what Christmas means this year. Not just when it comes to the trees, decorations and presents (although, they have loved all of that and are literally "grasping" at the gifts under the tree already!) But thanks to a cute little advent calendar I found at Home Goods (pictured above) and these adorable free-printable scripture cards that I found here, they are learning the true meaning of why we celebrate this special holiday. 

Each morning, they wake up and are excited to open the next pocket on the calendar. In each pocket, I've included two small candy canes and two Scripture cards that chronologically tell the story of Jesus' birth. At first, I thought the candy cane would be the bribery they needed to sit still and pay attention to the Scripture. And it was for the first couple days. But now, on Day 6, they have started to get excited about hearing the rest of the story! We read each previous Scripture, so the story makes sense in context. And Micah has even memorized the first couple of verses! By Christmas day, they will know the whole story of how our Savior Jesus came to earth. 

I also let them decorate their own little Christmas tree with special and homemade ornaments we've collected since they were born. These days pass so quickly, I want to make sure to document what I can to remember these first Christmases with them. Only 19 days left!

Hannah reading the "Day 3" scripture card. 

I had a breakdown about a week before I released my EP.

The truth was, it was like the third breakdown I'd had over the course of three or four weeks. But this one was actually in front of people.

What really triggered it, was a conversation my husband and I were having with some friends who were visiting from out of town. We were laughing and catching up on life, our recent move and how things had been going for them.

But these aren't the type of friends who we just touch the surface with. And it quickly got to a place of "real-talk."

My husband began to open up with them about some of the personal struggles we were having (a lot of what we believed was the result of some intense spiritual warfare). I alluded to it in my last post when sharing the story behind my EP. But sparing the ugly details, it was one thing after another for us in the months following our move. And it affected us in every way - emotionally, spiritually and financially.

So there I sat, on the brink of tears, while Josh openly shared his heart with our friends.

I wanted to keep things lighthearted.

I wanted to celebrate and focus on all the good that was happening in our lives.

I should be happy, I thought, as I bit my lip and squeezed my eyelids together trying to force back the tears that I knew were inevitable.

But when they finally came, I now understand why - I felt unknown.

Have you ever felt this way? Like you have so much going on behind the surface, but don't know how or why or if you should share?

But your Instagram looks good. And you're still getting Facebook likes on all your cool jokes. So people think you're doing okay.

But then, someone who actually knows you comes over to your house and stares you in the face and asks how you're really doing... and there you are, a puddle on the floor.

Yeah, me too.

Sitting there on the couch, crying my eyes out in front of our friends, was humiliating, YES, but also freeing. Because they didn't run or excuse themselves from the conversation (never mind that they were staying with us that night and had nowhere else to go), but instead responded with, "us too." And we were able to hear how they were really doing and know how to pray and encourage them more.

With all the depression, anxiety and silent battles people are facing, I am more convinced than ever that being our real, honest selves is the only true way to live.

That's much easier to know than believe. And much easier to say than do. I understand. It took many prayers and my hard shell of pride breaking down to admit it. And also, this quote:

But really, THIS QUOTE. 

I'll never forget after my husband and I came on staff at a prior church, one of the volunteers made a comment to someone that we looked like "the perfect Christian family" and that they "could never relate" to us.

 Nothing broke my heart more.

Because... if they only knew.

So much of me wanted to find that person and spill out my life story. Tell them every pain and heartache Josh and I had faced in our lifetimes, and how it all felt undermined by their one simple assumption.

But I didn't.

Instead, I took it as a reminder to never judge a cover. Because there is so much more to every person's story, than the Hallmark movie you've probably made up in your head.

And I also took it as fuel to continually strive in being known. But ultimately resting in the fact that I already am.

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. ‭‭You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:2-6‬ ‭