My husband texted me earlier today and told me that I could have some alone time tonight (have I mentioned lately how much I love that man?) After agonizing for about twenty minutes over all the things I could possibly go do (and accepting that I would never have time to do them all), I settled on a quiet dinner and doing a little writing.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to sit and write in solitude. I usually have tiny people who find their way to my side, interrupting any train of thought that I might have had. Once the train completely derails, I’ll usually save the draft in hopes to catch a ride back on it at another time. I have 200 trains to catch in my draft folder.

But here I am sitting, BY MYSELF, in a Panera. After scanning the restaurant a couple times, I picked a cozy seat in the corner with my green tea, broccoli cheddar soup and Roasted Turkey Avocado BLT sandwich. Oh, and can’t forget the warm chocolate chip cookie for .99 (the cashier talked me into it).

I was surprisingly decisive about my food choices today.
But if I’m honest, most of the time I have no idea what I want.

I have been (pretty much) silent about politics on this blog for the past three years. Part of that is due to being a busy mom of three (lacking a coherent train of thought, like I said), but also because I believe wholeheartedly there are some issues that we, as a nation, will never see eye-to-eye on. And there are people I love too much and would rather not have political opinions getting in the way of that.

But, goodness… my heart is grieved.
And today, I’m taking this train to the station.

I am absolutely horrified by the NY law that passed this week allowing abortions up to the BIRTH of a child. The act of abortion at any point of a pregnancy has always been viewed as murder to me. I realize that this is partly due to my strong belief that life begins at conception and also because at the very beginning of each pregnancy - I wanted the child. But even when I, surprisingly, found out I was pregnant again when my first baby was only 9 months old - I knew that what was happening inside me was creating life. I knew, because it took us over a year of trying to get pregnant the first time and I learned that it doesn’t happen that easily. There’s a whole lot that has to take place before that positive pregnancy test - and a whole lot that has to happen to sustain the pregnancy. It’s a miracle every time.

If at any point, of any of my pregnancies, someone came and injected a poison in me that caused my baby’s heart to stop - I would have sued them for murder! And by law, I would have won.

Yet, by law, if a women decides that she doesn’t want a baby at any point of her pregnancy it automatically becomes okay for her to end its life? After all it went through to make it this far?

Many stories have come out about late term abortions, and how most of the time they are decided because the doctors had informed them that their pregnancy was not viable and/or the child would be born with some type of disability. And with our technology today, I don’t doubt that often the doctors may be right, but… sometimes they are wrong.

I was told at our 15 week ultrasound with my daughter, Hannah (my “surprise” pregnancy), that she had two soft-markers for Down Syndrome. After more ultrasounds and blood tests (that in retrospect probably added to unnecessary anxiety and stress) they confirmed that there was a 99% chance that she didn’t have DS. I knew we were going to keep her no matter what - but the day she was born the nurse looked at me and said that, after looking at her record, some would have chosen to abort her. Yet, here I was with a beautiful, healthy baby girl. THIS is my problem with the law.

Shouldn’t we always give life a chance? In a court case, a suspect is always innocent until proven guilty. Shouldn’t an unborn baby be alive until proven otherwise? Many miscarriages and spontaneous abortions happen because the pregnancy is no longer viable, the baby’s heart stops beating, or there is a genetic disability. And sometimes this happens when there is no reason at all. Whenever a couple receives this information about their unborn child, there is almost always grieving involved. Why? Because it is a loss. Disabilities and diagnoses can happen at any point of life, for any child, born or unborn. If we aren’t allowed to dispose of our three year old after a disability diagnosis, why must we be allowed to dispose of it at 38 weeks gestation? I believe that God has gifted women with the privilege to support, sustain and protect life at all costs. Abortion is the complete opposite of that.

Let’s be clear about one thing… this law does not protect a woman’s life. While pregnant, a mother’s life has always been the priority. The doctors will induce labor at any point of a pregnancy if the mother’s life is in danger, while equally trying to save the baby after it is born. This law allows a woman to decide at any point of her pregnancy that she does not WANT the child.

I don’t say this to be cruel to women.
I say this to focus on the cruel reality of abortion.
It all comes down to what women want.

If you want to call it a child, it’s a child.
If you don’t want to call it a baby, its not.

Can I be honest? I’m a mom, sitting in Panera, getting a couple hours of alone time who couldn’t decide if I wanted a chocolate chip cookie or not. What I want changed a few hours ago. It also changed the minute I got married, became a mom for the first time and again, after I had my third child. My wants change daily and, sometimes, by the second. I was taught long ago, that selflessness meant laying down my wants and desires for the betterment of those around me.

After many years in ministry, I have also walked and prayed with women on the other side of abortion. Post-abortion pain and grief is a difficult reality for many. No one talks about this. And while there are devastating circumstances for some pregnancies, we need women to be aware that their decision to abort may have consequences that last much longer than 9 months.

Women, we have been given the beautiful responsibility of carrying and sustaining a living being.

We must learn to not just accept our bodies and the role they play in the circle of life, but protect them. And if you don’t want children, there are lots of ways to protect your reproductive system from having them (or finding homes for them if you happen to find yourself in the low-chance of pregnancy). You absolutely have that choice to make. You can have a whole hysterectomy and guarantee 1000% that your body will never get pregnant.

But the minute it does… your wants must change.

To be honest, I’m much more concerned about the state of our hearts than the laws. And I know that the only way we will see abortion end, is if women collectively decide that it’s not an option. But that’s going to be difficult. Because, the only bigger mystery than trying to figure out what women want, is figuring out what women want while pregnant.

—

(If you’re offended by this post, then you must also be offended when women joke about their raging hormones, cravings and having “pregnancy brain” while pregnant. We don’t mind admitting that our physiological makeup affects our decision making, unless it comes to choosing to terminate a pregnancy. Then we are completely rational human begins. The contradictions must end. And so must abortion.)

This season of life as a mom of three has put a lot of things (that I love dearly) on hold for me. One of those is writing. My passion for writing has not waned one bit - but my time has. This struggle, I have to admit, has caused me grief in many ways. Writing has always been therapeutic and a way for me to process the ups and downs of life. In the past, writing on current topics has allowed me to stay engaged with the culture and not feel so lost in the mundane of motherhood. I almost feel guilty calling motherhood “mundane,” because I think it is extraordinary and such a gift to be a mom. But anything practical and routine in our lives can easily be taken advantage of and that’s when the “mundane” begins to set in.

Lately, I have felt myself struggling emotionally and mentally. I recognized that I wasn’t processing and dealing with things in a healthy way. Instead of taking my thoughts captive and crying out to the Lord… I’ve been taking my thoughts and spilling them out to others, mainly my husband. I have the hardest time holding on to any negative emotion. If I experience something painful, it immediately comes out. Instead of a gluten intolerance, I guess you could say, I have a pain intolerance. And to be honest, I’m not sure I would have recognized this about myself so obviously until I learned my Enneagram number. I’m a type 7 - which is characteristically a type that avoids pain/negative emotions.

On the flip-side, in an effort to avoid negativity, I will wear myself out by chasing pleasure. And eventually be left disappointed, because nothing truly satisfies. It’s a vicious cycle - this pain-avoidant, pleasure-seeking life. Chasing pleasure leads to the pain of being disappointed and pain leads to more pleasure-seeking.

I don’t believe any personality test is an excuse to continue living in unhealthy ways; rather they are tools to help pinpoint blind spots for specific areas of growth. Mental health is such a stigma, especially amongst the Christian community. For some reason, there is a false belief that admitting that we can be mentally or emotionally unhealthy downplays the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives. Yet, not many would ever downplay the role of the Holy Spirit when we are physically unhealthy. The brain is an organ, just like our stomachs. And just as we take supplements to help with digestion, often we need supplements to help us mentally as well.

Now, I can tell you, I am definitely more of a naturalist when it comes to medicating myself. I will do almost anything to avoid taking a pill. Oils, counseling, writing/journaling, music therapy, meditation/prayer, etc. They may be more costly and time-consuming - but these have been my therapies of choice for battling stress and anxiety for the past ten years. Everyone is different and should be evaluated and treated based on what their bodies need.

The important thing is that we don’t ignore our bodies. Especially, as believers. We are vessels of the Holy Spirit and need to be healthy in order to carry out what the Lord has planned for us. When we’re not healthy, we are limited in what we can do.

I also don’t want to ignore the obvious - sometimes we are facing spiritual attack from the enemy. I can testify, that this has often been the case for Josh and I in ministry. Things will be going well, we will see God moving… and something will hit one or both of us out of nowhere. It can seem coincidental, until the pattern happens repeatedly. Our brains control every aspect of our human body - so of course, it will be the number one thing attacked. Just as someone in battle shields their hearts from danger - we must shield our minds.

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise”

— Philippians 4:8

One of the more difficult things about being a stay-at-home/homeschooling mom is balancing self-care without neglecting my children. As the old saying goes, “You can’t take care of someone else, until you take care of yourself.” But the truth is - taking care of someone else leaves little time to take care of yourself. I’ve had to be intentional about finding ways to make self-care a priority.

I’ve seen a complete correlation between lack of exercise and increased anxiety - so I joined a gym. I’ve seen the benefits of using and diffusing natural oils - so I signed up as a Doterra member and recently switched to Young Living (they BOTH work!) Listening to podcasts, audio books and music throughout the day help a ton - so I joined Spotify. And lastly, finding time to do something that I love, every day, just for fun - today, I blogged.

These are small prices to pay for a healthy mind.

Many times, stay-at-home parenting can be isolating and lonely so there is a huge temptation to turn to social media/texting to quench that need for social interaction. Yet, catch me at the wrong moment and, it can stir up all sorts of unnecessary comparison, insecurity and discontent which only deepens the isolation and loneliness. Setting limits and boundaries on social media usage and making the time for more face-to-face, adult interaction (through bible studies, playdates, etc.)… has been crucial for healing.

But perhaps the most important way to practice self-care while also taking care of my children is choosing to study Scripture together. It helps to set our minds and hearts in the right direction for the day. We purchased The Jesus Storybook Bible last Christmas and it has been a great resource to start our mornings! When I focus my heart on the beautiful opportunity I have been given to train up theirs… there is no better reward or healing.

I can’t believe you’re ONE. It does not feel like a WHOLE year has passed since you’ve been born! And yet, here I am staring at the calendar… December 4th is here, again.

Getting to know you over this last year has been such a joy! You are the sweetest little baby-girl, with an easygoing personality. I’ve heard third-borns are special like that. People always comment on how “petite” you are. And it’s true, you are a delicate little thing. But great things come in small packages, and I have no worries that you will be catching up to your big brother and sister soon! In fact, I know that you will grow way too fast - so you can stay tiny for as long as you want! ;)

I’m praying for your next year of life to be full of fun and learning. Watching your mind begin to develop into a little person is one of my favorite things! You can now say, “Hi mama!” and “Hi dada!” while waving with your little hand(s). You say “hi” to the Christmas tree every morning when you wake up (it’s the cutest!) and you blow kisses and play peekaboo! You love when we play games and I can make you giggle. And really, I end up laughing the most.

Hannah has called you “Chlo-Chlo” since birth and now we all do! We also refer to you as “cute-cute” a lot. Because saying things twice just emphasizes the point!

Speaking of Hannah, she just adores you! She has become such a little mama to you and you have been so patient to let her. It is going to be so fun to watch your sister relationship grow!

Micah and you have such similar personalities and I adore it! Even though you look a lot like your sister, you remind me more of him as a baby. He loves to make you laugh and any time he can steal some one-on-one time with you is his favorite. And as the third born, you’ll take any one-on-one time you can get too!

I just want you to know, that getting to be your mom is one of the greatest blessings of my life! I am so thankful that God gave me you. Especially when, just a few years ago, I doubted if I’d ever be able to have children. I’m sure no one looks at me now, three kids later, and thinks about that. But I still do. I still remember the pain of waiting for you.

And now, I live with a different type of pain. A pain that is magnified on days like today… watching you grow up.

(Below are photos from a small birthday celebration we had for Chloe over the weekend! Shoutout to my friends, Jackie Marsh, for baking this AMAZING cake and Nick Carter, for taking a few of these pictures for us!)